I don’t feel older,
sometimes when I look in the mirror I feel like i’m about 30 something.
so I don’t really feel older now.
but all that aside today would have been a perfect celebration of my birthday, with a perfect ending to such a good day.
I feel like I rang in turning 21 in a perfect way only I don’t feel 21 in any way.
radical.

I pull up to the intersection
and I close my eyes
and press the pedal to the floor.
this is it.
I reach down slowly and unbuckle my seat belt,
as I hear a loud scraping noise
of another vehicle against my door.
almost there.
my eyes are closed and time no longer exists,
every second is lasting an hour,
I no longer know where I am.
I sharply jerk the wheel to the right
and I feel myself crash into another vehicle
and I begin to roll.
I feel the ground above my head,
I feel the air fill between me and the seat,
I feel the dirt and debris and loose change and torn and frayed resumes and everything from my pockets fill the air around me.
I felt life stop and everything stood still.
for a moment I was infinite,
this is the closest feeling i’ll ever have to achieving my dreams of being in space and the universe.
after that is a blur, it all happens so fast but my mind stays where
I am floating around in my debris and loose change
i’m my own universe,
and i’m finally at peace
scattered across the road
in pieces.
I hope I die in my sleep.

I won’t remember these nights
or maybe I will.
life gets easier when you stop
worrying if the glass if nearly empty
or mostly filled
because it all depends really.
who gave you the cup
what did they fill
it with
could they have slipped
you a pill?
now the room is spinning
you’re sweating
you don’t know how to feel.
And it consumes you inside
until you want to die
the best advice I can give is
it’s just life
try your best to enjoy the ride.
So before you take a sip
sit back and think
of how thirsty you are
if you really need a drink.

i dream of a life with nothing.
bare walls, empty floors, no pictures.
a bed, a couch, a fridge, a tv and a stove.
i want a house as empty as me and fill it with nothing but thoughts to match my mind.
because if you’ve got nothing to lose you’ve got nothing to lose
and i’m tired of losing because it leaves quite a bitter taste in your mouth.

i just want a house and not a home because a home is something that i don’t know.

things I feel comfortable with
- time is only a tool, no more influential on my life than a hammer.
- without someone directly in front of me I live in an existence where they are both live or dead, proving to myself I can both miss them and live without them.
- i’m constantly learning and studying, I do not need a school for this.
- the things I’ve learned are working and helping me figure out whatever shit I’ve gotten myself in.

The things I’ve been able to see and feel are beautiful, so beautiful I am able to understand why people believe in gods, fate, luck, all of it. I’ll never call myself blessed or lucky, because that’s only how I choose to see things, I put my own value to everything in my life and sometimes it matches what people think and sometimes it doesn’t match at all. I’m fine with that, some people aren’t. Time passes.
But that doesn’t change that I appreciate all that’s good and bad for what it’s worth

To me.

the amount of things I want to say is nearly unbearable, but alas, there’s no one quite on my level enough to share them with.
it’s quite lonely to feel this way and have no one to share it with.
am I right

i am
incredibly
happy.
and i
could
go on
forever
about it.
unfortunately
i have a
life and
know that
i’d just
be
annoying.